Photo by Haoyu
Note from Kuang:
My lease provides a monthly cleaning service, and Zhang Xuejiao was the one who came to clean the apartment. She always talked about her days as a kid with great delight and nostalgia and about her son she left at home for her parents to look after. She decided to return from Beijing to her hometown in Hubei after nearly three years.
我租的房子包含每月一次的保洁服务，张雪娇是负责的保洁。她爱聊天，每次来总是说起她的家乡，她的童年，还有留在家由父母照顾的儿子。今年年初，她收拾行李告别了生活将近三年的北京。
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My name is Zhang Xuejiao. I was born in a small village in Hubei province in 1984. It’s a long way from my hometown to Beijing. I came to Beijing in July 2015. I remember the date very clearly. I even kept the tickets.
I’m a single mom. One of the reasons I left my hometown was because I had some family problems which I decided to escape from. Over one year later, my husband filed for a divorce.
During my nearly three-year stay in Beijing, I didn’t go back home even one time for Chinese New Year. I could only spare some time in April or July, when my workload was a bit less. I don’t have any pastimes after work. I only visit nearby parks sometimes with other coworkers.
Things at work could be crazily hectic sometimes. There were times I only got back around 2 a.m. Beijing deep in the night feels so different from daytime. There are very few cars and almost no one to be seen. The street lamps are bright. If you look up, lots of windows in the buildings have their lights on. Lots of office workers stay up late working overtime. Which makes me feel less lonely because I’m not the only one working so deep into the night. Everyone is working hard for a better life.
Winter in Beijing could be really freezing, and sometimes I needed to walk the electric bike my company lent me a long way when it ran out of electricity. I can still feel that freezing air. But I still think I made the right choice coming to Beijing. Beijing has paid me back for my hard work I think.
The main reason I decided to return home is that I want to spend more time with my family. My grandma has turned 94, and my child is growing up quickly. I don’t want to be absent from their lives.
I would say my most treasured memories are days in my childhood. Almost all the villagers stayed in the village. Migrant work wasn’t a trend yet back then. People would chat while doing farm work together while children were running around wild. We were poor, but, a bit strange to say, you don’t really feel poor since everyone in the village is poor at a more or less equal level.
We planted rice, grew vegetables, enough to support the whole family. And we would submit the extra food to the local government.
There weren’t any unplanted fields. We even cleared the weeds on the mountains regularly. We only fired wood for cooking, no gas or coal.
I want that simple life back when I grow old. Doing some farm work with some money saved from working to support myself. I’d be happy to lead a life like that.
There’s a nursing home located near my village. I’ve always wanted to visit them—maybe to cut their hair or just chat with them. I want to treat them nice partly because I think I will very possibly end up spending some of my old age there.
I believe that everyone was brought to this world for a reason. From the beginning to the end of our lives, we may find the days repetitive sometimes. But every day is also unknown and unpredictable, and that, I think, is what makes life meaningful. Every day is a new day with new things happening, both for us as individuals and also for the country as a whole.
I don’t really want to start life over again. If I had to live my life again, I’d probably lead the exact same life, who knows.
我叫张雪娇，1984年出生在一个湖北的小山村，离北京很远。我是2015年7月份离开家来到北京的，日期我记得很清楚，当时的车票也还留着。
我是单亲妈妈。之所以只身一人来北京，一部分原因是当时有些家庭矛盾，我想避开。一年多之后，我丈夫提出了离婚。
在北京将近3年的时间，我没有一次春节回过家，都是比较不忙的时候，4月份或者7月份的时候，能抽空回家看看。在这边也没有什么娱乐，最多也就是去附近的公园逛逛，看看公园里的花和养的鱼。
忙的时候，我一天只有六七个小时的休息时间，有时候甚至凌晨两三点才回。深夜的北京和白天很不一样，没什么车人也少，没有那么拥挤，只有路灯很亮。如果抬头望望，几乎每栋楼都还有灯亮着，有很多上班族到深夜都还没有睡，还有很多和我一样深夜还在路上的人，还在忙碌的人，我并不孤单。
我们出去干活都是骑公司配备的电动车，有时候没电了就要推着回家，有一次冬天我推着车走了好几公里才回到住的地方，现在还能想起来当时的冷。不过我还是觉得当时来北京的决定是对的，我觉得我在这里的辛苦，北京没有辜负我。
之所以选择回老家，主要是想多陪陪家人。我家里有个94岁的奶奶，我孩子也大了，我不想缺席她们的生活。
要说最珍贵的回忆，可能是小时候吧。那时候村里的人都没有出去打工，都在家里种地，地挨着的乡村人都认识，一边干活一边聊天，孩子在旁边一起玩。虽然穷，可是大家都穷，也不觉得有什么了。我们种水稻，种蔬菜，足够自己吃，菜籽还可以打油，富余的农产品，就交到粮管所，政府会收。
那时候没有地是空着的，就连山上的草我们都会定期去砍，那时候不用液化气也不用煤，做饭都是靠烧柴火。
老了之后，我想要回到小时候种地的生活，种种菜养养鱼，能有一点工作上存的钱养老，这样的生活我就满足了。
我们村附近有家敬老院，我一直想去那里看望那些孤寡的老人，陪他们聊聊天，替他们理理发。我想对他们好一点，因为我觉得我老了以后没准也要住到敬老院去。
我觉得每个人生下来都是有意义的。那些难忘的经历，走过的路，还有对每天的期待，可能就是意义吧。从出生到离开，有很多日子可能是重复的，但是每天都是未知的，我们的明天会是什么样子，我们的国家会是什么样子，都是未知的。
我不希望人生重来。我把这辈子认认真真过就知足了。即使重来，我可能还会这么过吧，谁能说得准呢。
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Kuang is the founder of Beijing Lights. She would love to hear your thoughts about the column and is open to new collaborations. She can be reached at kuang@spittooncollective.com.